Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Murphy's Laws of Parenthood

This may have been done before, but since it has been going on around our house a lot lately, I thought I would prepare some of you child-less people for what is to come. So here they are:

Murphy's Laws of Parenthood

1. When preparing for a family get together or party, your dog(s) and or your child(ren) will poop, pee, or spill something on your carpet ten minutes after you finished steaming it (& 2 hours before the guests arrive, because you did this last, so that you would not have to deal with this situation).

2. If you are having a party with seldom scene old friends, the day of the party, your septic tank will back up into 1 of your bathrooms. Resulting in 1 bathroom being shared by 8 adults and 1 child.

3. If you spend more than a minute deciding where to place your grocery list so you won't forget it, then, trust me, you will forget it.

4. When Christmas shopping, it does not matter how many time you check your list, how many times you go through the presents, you WILL forget someone! If you have children, then 1 child will end up with more presents than the other. And YOU will pay for this dearly in years to come (the severity of the payback depends on the age of the child getting fewer presents).

5. If you have 2 children sharing a room, and they are really close in age, then you will almost NEVER be able to find 2 matching shoes that fit the child you are trying to dress (unless you are a major neat freak, in which case, you're invited for a free "vacation" at my house!)

6. As a parent, you will eventually (or constantly, depending..) crave peace & quiet. And you will get it...but pretty soon it will dawn on you that it has been a very long period of peace & quiet. When you check, you will find your child(ren) sitting in their room making scrambled eggs (with real eggs!) on their carpetted bedroom floor.

7. When you wake one morning, you will hear nothing but silence. So peaceful, so very seldom that you get to enjoy waking up before the kids for some serenity with your coffee. You will very slowly get out of bed, stroll lazily towards the kitchen, savoring this oh so rare moment. You will casually start making coffee, then possibly go sit at the table and enjoy the quiet while the coffee brews. You turn your head to look out the window and admire your back yard, and you will see... your children. Outside, in the cold, in nothing but t-shits ( literally, no diapers, no pants...nothing) rolling around on the frost covered ground playing with the dogs.

8. You will one year decide to have your child's birthday party at a park. Here are 2 possible scenarios....
1) you get to the park to find about a dozen other parents who had the same idea. You end up with a couple picnic tables about a half mile from the play ground. You will lose half of the pizza's to ants, that come from nowhere and get into everything. Right as you're starting to eat, someone (thanks mom) will point out that you forgot to buy bowls and spoons for the ice cream. Mad dash (again, thanks mom) to the store to get bowls & spoons, but by the time everyone is ready for ice cream and cake, the ice cream has turned to soup! (This was the first attempt, as a "learn the hard way" kind of person...I did it again)

2) Since the party is at the park, you invite lots of people (say 75-100). After all, how hard is it to grill hot dogs? You figure on about half the people showing up (standard rule where I'm from, maybe not so in your area), so you buy 10 packs of hot dogs & buns, get the charcoal, & stay up the night before making 50 cupcakes. You get to the park, put together the grill, get the coals going, & start grilling. You then realize the party start time is long past, and only about 10 people are there (and 1 child, other than the birthday girls siblings). So you eat, open presents, & start packing up. You now have 50 hotdogs & buns, 35 cupcakes, 25 bottles of water and 3 12 packs of soda that you must decide what to do with. You consider giving it to the people who show up as you are leaving, but they have their own stuff, so you take it home. (3 months later, we still have half a case of water and some sodas sitting on our porch, and numerous packages of hotdogs in the freezer...)

This is just a random sampling of the sitcom worthy events that go on when you have kids. Everyone has stories like this. I would love to hear some of your favorite "Murphy Moments". Leave a comments, or post on my Facebook Page Wall.
Lots of Love,
from the swamps of the pee dee